It’s interesting to think about what really impacts us and influences how we show up in the world!
There was a week long celebration at the Ashram for the 60th birthday of the Spiritual Leader/Ashram Director.
June 1st and June 6th were also my daughter in law’s and son in law’s birthdays - A week of birthday celebrations!
Special presenters, musicians, world renown chanters have gathered here from around the world to celebrate. It has been a busy and interesting week with the Ashram, all abuzz with extra activities, lots of preparations and celebrations daily.
Much of it was great fun!
When I thought about writing this week’s blog, it was a struggle initially to start writing. Partly because I am really tired and feel depleted today. I didn’t sleep well last night, and besides the rainy weather, my spirits are dampened.
One of the very senior, wise and funny Swamis that is here from Minnesota for the birthday celebration, spoke about ‘Finding Ourselves’. He told his own story about losing his head and being lost.
I do not feel lost in any way, but I’m definitely finding out new things about myself on this journey.
The Swami had a simple message, ‘you are right here, right now, in each and every moment’ . The message was impactful to me, as it unveils all of us, not just our preconceived image of ourselves.
Though I felt tired, depleted and out of sorts, at the morning staff meeting, I still volunteered to be an extra server at dinner and volunteered to help with decorations for the big ceremony tomorrow and planned to volunteer to help in the kitchen too, besides my other karma yoga work.
So much help is needed for 200+ people celebrating in Feast Fashion. And my image of myself is hard working, tireless, positive and helpful.
After sending another person on my team a ‘no I cannot do any more’ email after the staff meeting in the morning, I felt awful. I was recognizing ‘enough is enough’, but was unhappy in saying ‘no’ to helping another person asking for help.
Luckily, I have an amazing supervisor that knows when I need to be pushed a bit to step back and recharge.
She encouraged me to take some time to regroup, and after Face Timing with my family, writing two cards that I’ve wanted to write, preparing and drinking the prescriptive tea that I am supposed to daily drink, changing my sheets and writing an explanation about why I didn’t finish my spiritual diary this week, I finally started to gain a bit of strength.
In just a couple hours time, and after taking care of myself a bit, I felt a little better.
What is interesting to note is my refusal to give myself permission.
Earlier, I was encouraged by another friend and karma yogi to rest and take some time for myself today to recharge. I did not listen to the advice, thinking that I could persist and somehow keep going, even in my depleted state.
My image of self and the reality of self are not always in sync. I forget to look “right here and right now” at me.
This afternoon, I have had time to think more about how I could be depleted in this beautiful and amazing place.
Was it really the rain that was getting to me? The insect bites? Was it the disrupted sleep?
None of those are actually new, and I’ve been happy and high energy most days I’ve been here. So, I wondered what was different?
What I’ve just realized as I write this is that the week has also had some emotional drains for me that were adding up in the background of my thoughts.
When you brush your teeth next to someone, meditate and chant side by side and eat your meals together as we do here, bonding with people occurs strongly and quickly.
‘Finding Myself’ means acknowledging all the states of me, not just the happy and positive ones I prefer. It also means accepting me as I am and giving myself permission to take the advice that I give to others.
Love yourself and fill up your spirit in order to give to others. A depleted self has little capacity to give.
Sending you love from the Bahamas.
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