From Fear to Vitality: I am not afraid!

I love this message, and it feels so perfect right now. 

As I reflect deeply on the many emotions that I, and likely all of us, have cycled through in the last 4 months -  fear, worry, anxiety, sadness, frustration, despair, anger and most recently determination -  I realize that these emotions were fueled by what I was being shown on television, computer and phone screens, and what I was being told by the media and others on those devices.  We have been glued to the drama of it all.

Luckily for me, curiosity has always been part of my nature, and in the last month or so that curiosity has led me to be receptive to exploring what is unfamiliar, instead of dismissing it, as would have been the case in the past.  I started listening to doctors and researchers who have been banned from mainstream social media sites.  I thought that banning information seemed odd, especially from what appeared to be highly credible sources, and I wondered what it was all about.  There was so much uncertainty from the “medical and scientific experts” on TV, and the “facts” changed sometimes daily.  So, I was curious what was out there that could be so bad for us to hear and see. Luckily my judgmental nature was overruled by curiosity.

It has been an interesting process to explore ideas different from those I believed to be my own. I’ve witnessed that we all have ideas based on what we learned in the past and what input we choose to listen to now.

Initially, I avidly watched the television and followed the virus and death tolls with an intensity as well as a certain amount of disbelief and fear, like everyone else.  So many have shared that they felt like life had turned into a Sci-Fi movie.  I thought the shutdown might last two weeks.  Just shy of four months later, and life in the US and rest of the world is anything but normal.  What a turn of events!

During the second month, I continued to watch the television, while simultaneously increasing the vitamin, herb, and protein support for me and my mother in order to keep our immune systems strong.  We were told that weak immune systems and comorbidity were strong factors in those who died from the virus. It seemed like a given that we should bolster our immune systems.

I had doubts and questions about why the medical and science experts speaking daily on the television, were not outlining ways to strengthen people’s immune systems and giving us advice to ward off the threat - focusing instead on advice to stay in our homes and not to touch or go near anyone.  Heightening our fear, we were told to use hand sanitizer, gloves to sanitize everything from groceries to delivery boxes, and to wear masks should we be in close vicinity to anyone.  We were to be cautious and afraid of everything and everyone, especially considering we were in the high risk age group. Families stopped visiting each other, and neighbors kept their distance. 

High anxiety and stress compromise the immune system, but that didn’t seem to be of concern to the experts.  The feverish pitch of fear continued in the media, all day long, every day.

We had our groceries delivered and followed faithfully the guidelines about gloves, sanitizing, and staying away from everyone.  As the months went on, the isolation and change in daily life became more difficult, especially for those families with young children who were trying to teach their children at home and keep spirits up.  I consciously made a point of taking a daily remembrance of gratitude for having enough to eat, a nice environment to be living in, and continued health.

Yet, life was starting to feel meaningless and filled with a despondency. Was this to be our new normal?  This low feeling felt so real and felt as though it was coming from my own thoughts on the world situation - but it wasn’t.  The ideas of despair and hopelessness were being fed to us on every news station in the country and world.  Social media also spread the same messaging.  Focusing on daily COVID death tolls, as they rose, made them very real and disturbing.  Yet we rarely think about the 56-57 million people worldwide, nearly 3 million in the US, who die every single year.  Suddenly half of one million deaths in 6 months was seen as catastrophic.

The hope offered is all about vaccines.  We’ve been warned about a second wave and vaccine compliance is being said to be required.  

Words like mandatory do not resonate with me. There are too many variables in a worldwide population of more than 7 billion. I have never taken a flu vaccine, as I feel injecting my body with a foreign substance when I am perfectly healthy is not warranted.  Until recently I have had little opinion regarding vaccines in general.  I just didn’t think I needed flu vaccines. And I rarely have experienced the flu, even when others around me, many of them having gotten the flu shot, have it.

Worldwide rush-to-the-market vaccines are being touted as our only hope to return to a life, without shutdown, social distancing, masks and fear. This vaccine solution continues to be pushed loudly and often, as the only viable one. Our country is divided on this and many other issues suddenly coming to the forefront during this pandemic.  

Something seemed off to me from early on and still does.  Doing some serious research and listening to doctors, scientists, and highly credentialed people who cautioned about the vaccine in the pipeline, my head began to swirl with questions.  People and organizations that I had trusted and admired were being exposed in a new light.  I kept digging and reading and watching interviews.  My prior ideas about so much was being challenged.

Spending hours researching filled the days, as the weather was pretty poor, and I was worried about being outside, at the beginning of the quarantine. Yoga of course helped me, and I signed up for some online courses to pass the time, doing something other than watching TV.  

After months of being indoors, the sunshine called to me.  I did not wear a mask and rarely came within 10 feet of anyone.  Walks outside gave me a mood boost. A couple of weeks of outdoor walks shifted my energy. 

Then, virtually out of nowhere, I decided since I’ve always wanted to paint, that I’d order some drawing supplies and try to draw some of the amazingly beautiful trees that are in the neighborhood (you can see an example at the top of this post :).  I started with charcoals and moved to markers and oil pastels. I did daily research when I went for walks by focusing on the proportions and the dimension and angles of the trees.  I watched a few YouTube ‘how to’ videos. As I moved from the gray of the charcoal to the lush greens and browns of markers, the aliveness inside me came out in the drawings.  I’m now moving on to acrylics for my next attempt at displaying the life inside me through art!

The huge trees in my mother’s neighborhood, mainly oak but many other varieties, inspired me with their strength and vibrancy seen in the multi shades of green of their leaves - signs of life and health.  Each tree filled me with a feeling of grounding and well being.  The sunshine, fresh air and being outdoors was a huge improvement over staying inside.  I felt stronger each day and also started seeing more clearly.
I discovered that there are many doctors and researchers who express very different views on the COVID crisis than what we hear and see from main stream media and social media.  While these researchers and doctors have nothing to gain and much to lose when they speak out in this new time of censorship, they are not afraid. They are leaders that I would have dismissed not many years ago.  Now I am listening.  
My renewed sense of aliveness has empowered me and strengthened me. I continue to care for and strengthen my immune system through healthy practices and healthy foods.  I am not afraid of COVID19, which will come and go like wind blowing in the air.  My roots run deep, as does my faith in God’s plan and the deep gratitude
I feel for life. 

I’ve turned from fear, despair and worry to feeling strong, healthy and vibrantly alive!  

Waking up out of despondency, there is much hope on the horizon.  Cleansing and releasing toxins in our minds and bodies will allow a return to good health.  This holds true in bodies, relationships, countries and whole worlds.  By God’s grace may we fuel our minds and bodies with all that is healthy, so that our inner lights may again shine brightly.

Sending love and light to each of you,
Mary